


Guilt and Fear

by Bladesilverred



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-22 13:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21303149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bladesilverred/pseuds/Bladesilverred
Summary: An AU where Yellow poofs Blue in Change Your Mind.Trigger warning: Blue has PTSD.
Relationships: Blue Diamond & Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe), Steven Universe & Yellow Diamond, Yellow Diamond & Yellow Diamond's Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This probably one of the most angsty things I've ever written.

“And I know you’re suffering, too!” yelled Blue Diamond.

Yellow felt her fists clench, electricity flowing through her body. She raises a hand, channeling the currents flowing from her glowing gem, forcing it past her outstretched fingers. Lightning strikes her target, illuminating the entire area.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” the screams of the injured Diamond echoed across Homeworld. The last thing she sees is a flying pink disc, just missing the gloved hand that attacked her.

“NO!!” Steven’s scream replaces Blue’s as her form is destroyed. 

The giant gemstone falls to the ground, its weight causing deep fissures as it embeds itself in the bridge. 

For a moment, all that could be heard was the panting of the three bodies. 

Then Connie, always the problem solver, spoke. “Steven, let’s get out of here,” she whisper-yelled to the half-gem beside her.

Steven hesitated, staring at the azure gemstone in front of him. 

“Leave.” Yellow hisses, voice dangerous and low.

“But--” Steven turns around, ready to argue. One look at the Diamond looming in front of him is enough to silence the words on his tongue.

Steven had felt threatened many times in his 14 years alive. Monsters and gems alike strove to kill him, but he took it in stride, growing used to the constant danger. But the look on the golden gem’s face turned his body ice cold in fear.

“LEAVE!” the Diamond roared, eyes crazed with scathing emotion. “TAKE YOUR LEGS AND LEAVE!” 

They didn’t need to be told twice. After gathering up Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl’s gemstones, the two children ran for their lives. 

Upon making it safely into his legcraft, Steven launched into space. But instead of setting a course for Earth, he piloted the ship to stay just out of Homeworld’s view. He was still determined to convince White Diamond to help heal the corrupted gems, but it would have to wait until all his poofed family returned. 

..

Yellow was angry. Angry that she had lost control of her powers and angry that Blue had betrayed the Authority by helping Steven. 

She paced around her control room like a rabid caged animal. Her Pearl had long abandoned her post, choosing instead to cower in an obscure corner. Her superior was often in a foul mood, but this raw rage was new. She had nearly lost her form just standing near the enraged Diamond, her electricity shrouding her like Blue’s aura. 

“She should be back by now,” snarled the golden gem, wanting to give her counterpart a piece of her mind. “What is she doing in there? We’re Diamonds, she shouldn’t need more than a few hours. It’s been two whole cycles.”

As if on cue, the gemstone in her hands began to glow. Yellow stopped her pacing to watch it fly into the middle of the room. The room was washed in a brilliant white light, making her squint as she tried to pick out Blue’s form. 

But as soon as the white light disappeared, it was replaced by a blue aura causing her eyes to overflow with tears. She stumbles back before falling to her knees. “Bl...blue” she managed to choke out. 

The azure diamond whipped her head around, looking for the voice that called her name. Her eyes landed on Yellow’s bowed form and a piercing scream left her trembling lips. Her aura disappeared suddenly and her breath turned ragged as she tried to scramble backwards. 

Yellow wiped her eyes and began to get to her feet. “Blue,” she repeated calmly.

Blue’s breath quickened until she couldn’t tell if air was going in or out of her mouth. She continued to stumble backwards, clearly terrified of the form in front of her. Her back hit a wall.

“What is going on?” snapped the golden gem, ignoring her panic. 

Blue began to cower, covering her head with her arms, eyes squeezed shut, chest still heaving. She tries to speak, but no words come out. 

Reaching a hand out, Yellow advances towards her. Her gloved hands nearly reach the trembling form before cobalt eyes snap open. She freezes, bracing herself for an attack. 

Instead, Blue lets out a strangled shriek and bursts through the wall behind her, falling into a full sprint towards her chambers. 

A very shocked Yellow Diamond watches her disappear, eyes and mouth wide open. 

…

**HIDE HIDE HIDE**

The words slam through her mind as she runs. She no longer controls her legs as they bring her into the deepest chamber in her part of the palace. She raises a trembling hand to close the doors, letting them slam together with a clang. Then, she shoots a laser beam towards the keypad next to it, rendering it useless. 

Satisfied that she was locked in, she falls to the ground. Her breath, still ragged, is replaced by sobs. 

Here she stays for twenty cycles, crumpled on the floor, sobbing. The panic she felt never subsides, not letting her mind rest for one second. Occasionally she lifts her head from the ground to wildly survey her chambers, searching for a yellow figure. 

Eventually, she tires herself out. Somewhat unwilling, she falls into slumber, her body and form exhausted from the fear coursing through her. But even in her sleep, she is haunted, tossing and turning as small whimpers escape from clenched teeth.

…

It takes Yellow two cycles to calm down from her rage. Long enough for guilt to take its place. The realization that she had hurt her fellow Diamond hit her like a sack of bricks as she paced around. 

_Blue...I hurt you...How can you ever forgive me?_

Tears pool in her eyes.

_When you reformed...you were so scared..._

Water spills down her cheeks.

_Of me...you were so scared of me, you burst through a wall…_

Rivers rush down to the ground, dripping from her chin. 

_Oh, Blue…_

She stops her pacing. 

_I’ve got to find her. I need to apologize...I need to make this right._

It was easy to find where Blue had gone. Her footsteps were outlined in the palace grounds, the weight of her sprint giving her feet enough force to crush the stone underneath her. 

Yellow followed her trail into her chambers. As she passed each blue room, she met with gems from Blue’s court, relief clearly showing on their faces as she walked by.

Finally, she reached the innermost room in Blue’s section of the palace. Taking a deep breath, Yellow walked up to the keypad. 

She paused, listening for any sounds from within. It was eerily quiet. 

Then it came. A small whimper followed by quiet shuffling of fabric, most likely produced by the Diamond’s long gowns. 

Yellow felt a pang deep in her gemstone. She tapped the glowing Diamond symbol next to the door, frowning when it failed to work. 

She tried again.

Nothing.

“Blue?” she called softly, hoping to rouse the room’s occupant. 

Nothing.

“Blue?” she repeats, louder.

And again. “Blue!”

A scream causes her to jump back from the door. 

“Y-Yello-ow?” comes a trembling voice.

The golden gem sighs in relief. _She can hear me, now if we can just get this door open, everything will be okay._

“Yes, it’s Yellow. I’m just here to--”

“Nonono Pleasedon’thurtme!!” Blue’s voice raises in panic. “Pleasepleaseplease! Don’thurtmedon’thurtme!”

Yellow can hear her breath begin to quicken as she repeats the phrase over and over. 

Her honey colored gem is throbbing with pain and her hands claw at the keypad, desperate to get inside and comfort the crying gem. 

“Blue, calm down,” she starts gently, “Please open the door. I’m not going to hurt you.”

**“NONONO PLEASEDON’THURTME DON’THURTME DON’THURTME!”** came the wailing response.

At a loss for words, Yellow stands there listening to the screamings of a broken soul. 

After a few minutes, she brings her hands together, rubbing electricity to her hands, and zaps the keypad gently. 

The double doors slide open, revealing a curled up Blue Diamond, swaddled by her dark robes. There is a film covering the floor, which Yellow realizes is water as she steps inside, her boots creating gentle ripples. It’s Blue’s tears. 

“Blue,” she whispers, slowly dropping to a crouch. The azure gem is out of reach, but she stretches her hand out anyway, as if to offer comfort to the sobbing gem. 

Blue raises her head. Bloodshot eyes peer at her, unfocused. The prominent bags under her drooping eyes seem to have doubled in size, now covering most of her face. Tears poured out of her wide eyes and her mouth was open in a silent scream. 

Suddenly, the room was bathed in blue light. Yellow found herself falling to hands and knees, but to her surprise, no tears came with it. 

Then she was hit with it. 

_Fear._

Unbridled, overpowering fear. Her golden chest begins heaving as she tries to suck in air, but her throat begins to close. She tries to crawl forward, but her body is frozen in panic. Slowly, she begins to succumb to the emotion. 

Blue had begun to cry, but Yellow wasn’t sure when. Her scrambled mind trying to find a plan of action, anything to get them out of this situation. But just as a sentence forms, it’s swept away under a current of fear. 

Finally, after an eternity, Blue’s powers begin to wane. The exhausted Diamond, crumpled on the floor once again, falls unconscious. But even in her slumber, she moans, still scared. 

Yellow inches towards her,with a heavy body. She places one gloved hand gently on the robes surrounding Blue’s back, just like she has thousands of times before. But even in her sleep, Blue flinches under the touch, a deeper whimper escaping from her lips. 

_I’ve broken her,_ thinks Yellow in horror, tears beginning to form. _She’s never been this bad, not even after we thought we lost Pink._   
…

Yellow slinks back to her chambers, mind and body weary. She enters her sauna, hoping that she will find some clarity in the steam. 

_What am I going to do?_

She takes a seat, leaning back against the warm walls.

_Blue won’t talk to me. Or can’t talk to me?_

Shifting her weight forwards, Yellow leans her elbows on her knees and cradles her head in her hands.

_What have I done?_

…

The coming cycles were nightmarish. Yellow was not one to abandon her duties, so she attended to her appointments dutifully as always. But a very heavy part of her mind remained on Blue.

Yellow had sent various gems to check up on her fellow Diamond, but all had reported no change in her state. She longed to go to her, broken as she was, to comfort her. Anything to stop her from suffering any longer. 

But the golden gem knew her presence would send her counterpart into a panic. Twice she had visited her. After merely uttering her name, the blue aura had come, bringing fear with it. 

Blue was just too far gone. 

So Yellow continued. She had long taken over most of Blue’s court and colonies. The extra workload didn’t bother her, but the ever present guilt at what she had done to her fellow Diamond did. 

She had called Steven up, asking for advice. Although she did not fully understand who he was, he still had a Diamond’s gem. He had agreed to meet with Blue. 

But even that had failed. His presence brought no blue aura with it, but the still terrified Diamond cowered from his touch and refused to speak. 

He advised Yellow to wait, to give her time. She had assured him that she would. She would give Blue an eternity, if that’s what it took to bring her back from her incapacitated state. 

…

Luckily for Yellow, it didn’t take an eternity for Blue Diamond to leave the floor of her chambers. Countless cycles, yes, but not an eternity. 

Slowly, she began to perform her duties. She began to hold trials, meet with her court, and oversee her colonies. Yellow was filled with relief, overjoyed. 

But the azure gem would still be brought to her knees in fear at the mere sight of a golden glove or a tall, olive boot. 

So Yellow avoided her. She built new pathways and tunnels so that their paths never crossed. She would have her gems send in reports for her so that Blue’s screens would never flash yellow. 

She did everything she could to ensure the well-being of her fellow Diamond. Even if it meant erasing herself from the palace grounds. She would do it for Blue. Anything for Blue.

And it broke her heart. 

…

“How is the Earth?” Yellow was on the Diamond line with Steven, who had long traveled back home. 

He had agreed to wait until Blue was of sound mind to attempt to talk to White.

And White was still absent, as she had been for six thousand years. 

“It’s good. We found a few more corrupted gem monsters. I almost healed one! I think if it stayed still just a few seconds longer, I would have been able to talk to it.” 

A smile tugged at the corners of the serious gem’s mouth. The half-gem’s enthusiasm always lightened her mood, not that she’d ever admit to it. 

“That’s nice, Steven.”

“Yeah...so how is everything?” His black eyes bored into Yellow’s, even through the screen.

She sighed. “It’s good. As usual.” A clear lie.

“Have you...seen Blue?” he asked carefully.

She felt a familiar pang in her gem. “No. But I sent my Pearl to relay a message from me last cycle,” she answered flatly.

“What did you tell her?”

Yellow sniffed. “The same as always. That I’m sorry.”

“And did she respond?”

“No,” replied the golden gem, averting her eyes away from the screen, “but she didn’t produce her aura at the mention of my name.”

“That’s progress!” commented Steven. 

Yellow grimaced. “I suppose.”

Giving her a thumbs up, he continued, “Well, I told her I would call her later this week. Maybe I can try to tell her for you?” 

“No,” came her curt reply. She hesitated a moment before adding, “Just tell me how she is, okay? And make sure she’s taking care of herself.”

“Okay,” replied the small gem. “But make sure you’re taking care of you, too!” he finished with a grin.

They bade each other farewell and the communicator drops down into Yellow’s hand. She looks at it for a minute, imagining it ringing blue. But it lay there inanimate, and she was forced to turn back to her many screens. Work was calling. 

…

Yellow lost herself in the monotony of her duties. They were dull and boring. Lonely in the absence of her equal. She found herself seeing the other Diamond, in the halls, or in a control room. Like a ghost, Blue haunted her.

So when the regal Diamond appeared in front of her in the hallway, she was convinced it was an illusion.

But as Blue’s form began to tremble in front of her, she knew it wasn’t a dream. Quickly, she turned to leave, before the blue aura came to incapacitate her. 

A small noise stopped her. She turned her head to face the azure gem. 

Tears were streaming from her cobalt eyes, and her face was crumpled in pain. 

And yet, Yellow heard the faint noise again. Straining, she stood absolutely still, afraid to spook the Diamond even more. 

“Y-yellow.”

Her eyes widened, eyebrows jumping upwards. But before she could respond, Blue hurried away. 

_“My name,”_ she whispered under her breath, _“she said my **name.**”_

…

Slowly, slowly, Blue Diamond came back into Yellow’s life. At first, it was just a glimpse of her blue robes around a corner. Then a bit of her hair, sashaying back and forth on her back when as walked. 

Even though it wasn’t much, each sight was saved carefully in Yellow’s memory. Each little snippet of a blue dress, every near interaction was hope. 

Hope that one day she would see Blue again, without tears of pain and fear. 

Hope that one day she could touch her again, hold her in her arms, kiss her. 

But hope was a fickle and delicate thing. 

Easily destroyed by a choked sob from a yellow flash of light or a flinch from an unexpected presence in the room. 

...

“I saw her in the hallway! And she saw me!” Yellow exclaimed, excitement clear in her voice.

“That’s great!” 

She was talking to Steven, holding the communicator in her hands as she paced around her control room. 

“And then the other day, she said ‘hi’. Hi! That makes three words she’s said to me. Three!” 

The young gem grinned. “And guess what, Yellow?”

His tone halted her pacing. She turned her head, giving her full attention to the tiny screen. “What is it then?

“She asked me how you were!”

Yellow almost dropped the communicator. “She did _what_?”

“I know right?” 

“What did she say, exactly? Tell me exactly what happened, Steven,” ordered the Diamond.

“Well, it was really not much, she just said, ‘how’s Yellow?’ and then I said that you’re good and you’re sorry and she said she had to go.”

Yellow began pacing again, thoughts racing. Then, she turned back to the screen and asked, “Do you think I should send her a message?”

Steven grimaced. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Yellow.”

The golden gem cleared her throat. “Yes, of course. Thank you, Steven.”

…

Some time after her call with Steven, Yellow began to lose faith. Although his report had overjoyed her, it seemed as though it was too good to be true. Every interaction with the azure gem was painful, almost as if she was going backwards in her healing process.

Her blue aura flew out of her gem at the smallest glimpse of yellow. They had met each other in a hallway, but the terrified Diamond had fled and locked herself away for five cycles. Yellow could hear her wails from outside her door.

But still, she held a tiny shred of hope. 

And she didn’t give up. She didn’t lose patience. 

Cycle after cycle, she waited. Waited for Blue to heal. 

Because she would heal. She had to.

…

Finally, Yellow cracked. It was 16 Earth years after Steven had come to Homeworld and Yellow had broken Blue. She knew, because Steven had called her to excitedly inform her of his 30th birthday. 

16 Earth years should have been a blink of an eye to a Diamond. But to Yellow, it felt like an eternity. 

She sent Blue a message. 

She couldn’t bear it any longer, the pain and guilt was eating her up inside. The throbbing behind her gem growing stronger and stronger, until she felt it might burst and shatter her. 

So she sent a message. 

It was a simple message. 

_“Blue, I miss you. -Yellow”_ it had read.

Yellow had stood at the door of Blue’s private chambers, straining to hear a reaction. A sob, a wail, a scream. 

But she heard nothing. She had heard the ping of the communicator after she sent her message. And the soft tapping on the control panel, as if Blue was opened the message. Then nothing. 

No sob.

No hitching of breath.

Nothing. 

She had stayed in front of the doors until her next appointment pulled her away, listening to the silence. 

...

In the coming cycles, Yellow pushed down her crushing disappointment, drowning herself in work. It was then she was most productive. Five new planets were conquered, 16 kindergartens and 12 moon bases were established. 

It was a bright period for Homeworld. If White had been around to care, she would have surely praised Yellow for her perfect work. But she wasn’t. And neither was Blue. 

Yellow was alone. 

Until.

Until her communicator chimed, bathing her dark control room in blue light. 

A message. 

Yellow scrambled to open it, her fingers fumbling around the the small device. 

It read: _“Yellow. We need to talk. Please meet me at the observation deck.”_

If the golden gem had had a heart, it would have stopped.

She stood, electricity jolting through her body. 

Then she paused. Was it a dream? Was it yet another apparition, a figment of her tired mind?

“Pearl,” she ordered, “Read me the message on my communicator.”

After the small gem had confirmed the text, she all but sprinted to the observation deck, her footsteps booming across the palace. She hesitated at the door, pausing to tug at her gloves and straighten her skirt. After taking five deep breaths, she hit the glowing keypad. The doors slid open with a hiss. 

Inside, bathed in the light of the stars, was Blue Diamond. 

She stood facing the doorway, the hood of her cloak hanging over half of her long face. Tears were dripping down her chin, and Yellow could see the slight tremble in her shoulders. 

“Yellow.” Blue’s whispered voice seemed to float across the room, drawing Yellow closer to her. 

The golden gem’s footsteps were light, as if she were walking on delicate ground. She walked slowly forward until she was halted by the other Diamond’s form stiffening.

“Blue.” Yellow’s voice was low and gentle.

They stood in silence for a moment, regarding each other. Blue’s shivering form, tears glistening in the starlight. Yellow’s honey colored irises, glowing in the low light. 

Yellow spoke again, even softer, “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Blue breathed. The two words were nearly inaudible, as if the speaker nearly didn’t have enough strength to project them from her lips. 

As soon as that magical phrase registered in her mind, Yellow felt herself take another step forward, her arm poised to land gently on a robe covered shoulder. 

But the trembling Diamond’s words halted her once more. “Not yet.”

So they stood, facing each other. Blue’s eyes still covered by her dark cloak, Yellow’s gloved hand still raised in the air. Neither dared to so much as breathe. 

Then, Blue’s slender hand snaked out from beneath her robes, reaching up to the hood on her head. Painfully slow, she pulled the cloth down, exposing her face. The stream of tears falling down her face turned into a waterfall as she met the glowing eyes across from her. She choked back a sob, but didn’t back down, holding gaze at the other Diamond.

Yellow willed herself to be still. She watched the full lips that had once lovingly pressed against her skin twist into a grimace. But she did not move. 

After an eternity, Blue raised her hand to meet Yellow’s. As soon as their fingers touched, the sob escaped from Blue’s throat. It was a raw, heaving sob, coming from deep inside her. 

But neither moved.

Yellow, fighting the desperate urge to step forward and embrace the gem she loved so much.

Blue, through her sobs, willing herself to hold her hand, motionless, against the other.

There they stood, for the first time in years, fingers pressed together. 

Healing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue continues to have a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for continuing the pain. This chapter is from Blue's perspective and has a few flashbacks, and has a few suicidal thoughts. It might be triggering if you're sensitive to this kind of thing. Just be careful.

Blue was running. Running from something. She wasn’t sure what, but she knew she needed to keep going. _Keep going, keep going, keep going._

A flash of light blinds her, and she falls to the ground. Searing pain flashes through her body and she tries to crawl forward. A scream builds in her throat, but her whole body is frozen in agony. She tries desperately to move, speak, anything to stop the attack from destroying. 

The last thing she sees before her vision goes black is a bright yellow light, and a hand. A gloved hand. 

…

She awakes with a scream, her chest heaving as she tries to orient herself. Cobalt eyes survey the room around her. She’s laying on the ground, on top of smooth sapphire floors. Her chambers.

She had fallen asleep, exhausted by cycles of panic. She doesn’t remember what set her off this time, but she knows she had another episode. Gems don’t need sleep, but Blue has learned that they can fall unconscious under enough mental and physical strain. 

Unfortunately for her, dreams accompany her fitful sleep. Or rather, nightmares. They haunt her. But everything haunts her these days. 

Grunting, the Diamond pushes herself to her feet. She has duties to attend to. No matter how much these dreams haunt her, no matter how much mental pain she feels, it is no comparison for what White could do. 

White, the biggest and strongest of the Diamonds could easily overpower Yellow and Blue. But she chose not to. Not physically, at least. Instead, she attacked them mentally, using their own fears and memories against them. 

Blue was absolutely certain that a punishment from White would shatter her. A fate she often wished for. But this was different. White didn’t allow her prey the mercy of a swift death. No, she toyed with them, making them beg for death. 

The azure gem shuddered. White could never know about this. Her sleep, her dreams, her fears. None of it. She needed to be careful.

“Pearl, I will go to my pool. Please alert me to my next appointment.”

As she walks, her footsteps echo softly on the hard palace floors. It was a nice sound. Opposite of the booming steps of her fellow Diamonds. 

She walks up to the grand double doors of her extraction chambers. The doors open with a hiss and a bit of steam wafts through the air, carrying floral hints with it. 

Her chest begins to ache, as she remembers the once friendly talks the other Diamonds would have and the games they would play. Her mind wanders to Yellow. The ache grows larger. She finds herself missing her, her kisses, her embraces. It’s a rare occasion that she allows herself to miss the golden gem. These thoughts often stray into darker waters, and her eyes already begin to prickle.

Slipping into the warm water, she feels herself relax. Picking up her comb, she focuses on the gentle singing. Starving for touch, she closes her eyes and pretends that the gentle pressure of the water around her are arms. 

…

“My Diamond? “ calls a subdued voice from beyond the water, “your next appointment.”

Blue places her comb in the cup beside her pool. Wading to the edge, she hoists herself out and shakes the water out of her hair. 

It was time to be a Diamond.

She follows her Pearl to the new meeting room. It’s simple, only containing a large azure chair and a turquoise control panel. Blue had requested it after her fight with Yellow. When the flashbacks grew worse, it was clear that any traces of the golden gem must be removed from her sight. The Bismuths hadn’t had much time to construct it, but it would do. 

Dropping heavily down into the throne, she begins to work. 

After a few cycles pass, she feels her eyelids grow heavy. She doesn’t have the strength she used to, her tortured mind taking all of her energy. 

She looks down at her screens. 

_I’ve done enough work that White won’t notice if I take a break. I’ll just get some Agates to finish up these reports._

“Pearl, please ensure that these reports are finished and submitted. I am going to my chambers. No one is to bother me.”

…

Blue retreats back to her chambers. This time, she heads to her resting room, deep in the palace. No one but her knows about this room. It was one place she could truly hide. From White’s harsh judgement, from Pink’s often exhausting antics, from Yellow’s demands. 

To get there, she must go through a maze of blue corridors. It had been many millennia since she had retreated to this oasis. Six millenia. 

She walks down a spiral staircase. Past a fake door, ignoring the soft glow of a rigged keypad that would trigger a silent alarm. Her quiet footsteps and gentle rustling of her robes echo around the close space. 

Finally, she reaches a small door. It’s different from others in the palace. Instead of a keypad, there is simply a small button, glowing green. Blue pushes it and the doors slide open. 

She stoops down to enter the room. It’s pitch black. 

Raising a hand to her gem, she begins to sing. Three simple tones that float from her mouth. One high, one low, and one in the middle. 

The room jumps to life, filled with a soft indigo light. It’s a small square room, but cozy. There is a large bed, pillows and blankets piled high on top of periwinkle sheets. In another corner, there is a simple writing desk, on it a feather pen and a pad of paper. 

Surveying the room, Blue feels her shoulders unwind and her eyelids lighten. Here she is safe. No gem, or Diamond could reach her. She snaps her thin fingers and a bubble appears around the green button at the door. Locked.

She practically floats over to the bed, pushing back the many blankets. They are soft under her touch, comforting. She lays down, closing her eyes as she swaddles herself under the covers. 

_Just a few cycles,_ she told herself.

…

“Blue?” 

_Yellow._

Blue claws at the fabric around her, whipping her head back and forth. “Yellow? How did you find me here?”

No answer.

“Where are you? How did you find me?” Blue’s voice is high with fear, still struggling to free herself from the blankets that hold her captive.

A gloved hand comes out of the side of her vision. Snapping her head towards the figure, she squints, trying to find the body that belongs to it. 

“Yellow? Where are you?” Her voice is louder now, panicked.

“Blue.” The voice is low and gravelly.

She stiffens, still trapped in the bed, wide eyes filling with tears.

“Please don’t hurt me!” she cries and begins thrashing once more.

There is no answer, but Blue can head electricity crackling. She begins to scream. But then her lips are silenced, and her form is bathed in golden light. For a moment, she relaxes, feeling the familiar presence.

Then she is filled with pain. Terrible pain. Shrieking, she tries desperately to free herself, but feels her form begin to break. 

_No_, she thinks wildly, _No! I’m going to lose form. I’ll be shattered!_

Sobs begin to replace the screams as her consciousness begins to fade. She tries to close her eyes, but her eyelids won’t listen. Her eyes are filled with tears, but somehow she can see the hand in front of her clearly. 

_Stop, please stop. Yellow, stop please oh stop._

It doesn’t stop. Cycles and cycles of torture fall upon her body, each second chipping away at her form. Twisting and turning, she feels the friction of the fabric begin to burn her skin. 

Still trapped, she gives up her fight with the sheets and begins to claw at her gemstone.

_If I can pull it out, I will be shattered._

Fingers scramble across the smooth surface, trying to find hold.

_If I am shattered, the pain will stop, it will all stop._

Her screams begin to fray, her vocal chords giving out. 

She looks down at her hands, still trying to pull her gem out. To her horror, they’re beginning to crumble. First the thumb breaks off and the other fingers follow. Little cracks begin to run up her arms as the rest of her arm falls off in little pieces.

Then suddenly, she is whole. But still in the bed, roped in by the periwinkle sheets.

She looks at herself incredulously. Raising her hands to her face, she sees no trace of cracks or fissures. 

“Blue.” The voice comes again, this time gentle.

Blue’s head snaps up. “Yellow?”

She sees two gloved hands. Then olive boots. Then a honey colored gemstone, sitting in the middle of a chest covered in armor. Slowly, Yellow’s form appears.

“Blue,” she repeats.

“Yellow!” This time, Blue’s voice is high in relief. “Yellow, I thought I was dying, what happened--”

“I am here to save you,” the golden gem interrupts, “You are in danger.”

Their eyes meet. 

“I thought you were attacking me,” Blue says slowly, “You were going to kill me. I was so scared.” Tears begin to form in her eyes.

“White is unhappy.” the other Diamond’s eyes are glowing as she speaks. “She is displeased with your show of emotions.”

“I…” 

“You are a Diamond, Blue,” Yellow’s voice is suddenly harsh, “Why don’t you act like one? Snivelling and cowering as if you are a lowly Pearl. Pull yourself together.”

“But--”

“We’re tired of your excuses!” roars Yellow, “She’s going to shatter you!”

**“I’M TRYING!”** wails Blue.

“I know, Blue, I know,” her voice suddenly gentle. She reaches a hand out to help the struggling Diamond.

Blue’s thoughts jumble, confused at the sudden change in Yellow’s tone, frustrated with the covers still entrapping her, scared of White. 

Reality begins to warp as Blue reaches out to the golden hand in front of her. Her eyes vibrating as she sees pictures flash through them. Yellow’s loving eyes, the bridge, her gloves, the lightning aimed at her.

The memories continue to come, mixing with her vision of the Diamond in front of her, now and past. She’s still screaming, trying to orient herself, trying to focus on the present.

“Blue,” comes a pained voice, “I…”

The azure gem blinks, trying to see through the images that float past her eyes. She makes out the form of her counterpart in between the hallucinations. 

“She’s coming.” Blue can make out a second form now, bringing light with it.

“You have to stop her,” the Yellow’s voice comes again, “stop her before she kills us.”

Confused, Blue watches the figure come closer.

“You’re failing us,” Yellow is whispering now.

Blue’s recognizes the second figure. It’s White. White holding some sort of weapon. As she steps closer, sapphire eyes recognize it as White’s septer. 

She tries to reach out, reach out to Yellow in front of her, but her hands are trapped. Words won't come out, she’s already screaming. 

Her vision glitches back to the bridge, back to the electricity coming towards her. 

Then a bright light. Blue is jerked back to the scene in front of her. The light dissipates, leaving only a jewel encrusted scepter piercing through armor, straight in the center of a golden gemstone.

“You killed us,” Yellow’s voice screams, “She did this because of you.”

_No._

“You killed us,” another voice comes out of the noise.

_Pink?_

“You killed us,” the two voices howl in unison, “You weren’t strong enough!”

Her sight flashes again, back to the bridge.

“No!” bellows Blue, fighting to bring herself back to the scene in front of her.

It snaps again and she can see a hand, a glowing, gloved hand, reaching out to her before disappearing with a poof. 

Her vision goes black, but she hears shards falling, like sickening rain. 

“You killed us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it this far, congratulations! It was painful to write, and I'm sure it was painful to read. The next chapter will contain lots of healing and comfort!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The healing begins.

Finally, Blue’s vision returns. Her eyes squint as she adjusts to the low lighting. Her body aches. Her throat raw from screaming, her body wounded by the tight sheets, her hands bruised.

Looking down, she finds herself laying near the edge of the bed. She leans forward, falling to the ground. But suddenly, she is free. The blankets fall to the ground around her like a blue rose. 

Wincing, she gets to her feet and walks forward. She can feel shards cutting into her feet, but there is nothing when she glances down. 

She lets her mind stay numb, focusing on the physical pain. She has duties to attend to. She will not be weak any longer. Not after seeing her love die. But she can’t think about that now.

Blue let’s her feet guide her out of the labyrinth of her chambers. They take her to her new control room, to her throne. Robotically, she begins her work, keeping her mind blank as her fingers complete their practiced dance across the screens. 

Her Pearl comes to stand at her feet. She doesn’t notice until the small gem speaks. “My Diamond?”

Startled, she looks down. “What is it, Pearl?”

“Pardon me for my interruption, your Radiance, but you’re...crying.” The periwinkle gem shifts her weight from one foot to the other, clearly nervous.

Blue touches her cheeks. To her surprise, they’re wet. 

_Again?_

“Thank you, Pearl. That will be all.” she says gently before standing from her chair. 

Ignoring Pearl’s confusion, she steps back out of the room.

…

Blue isn’t sure where she’s going. All she knows is that she cannot spend another moment in the small room. 

There’s a pattern. First the tears, slipping down her cheeks, unnoticed. Then a spot behind her gem flutters, giving her nervous energy. Her breath will quicken until finally, she’s thrown back into one of her awful visions. 

Walking helps rid her of her energy. Walking, because a Diamond sprinting around the palace grounds is surely forbidden. Not that it had ever occurred before. It would be unprecedented. 

Blue concentrates on her steps as she tries to stop the tears. She doesn’t notice the booming footsteps growing louder.

Until she walks right into the source of the noise. 

“Ah!” Yellow shouts, surprised. As soon as the sound leaves her mouth, she recoils, hands flying to her lips. 

Blue shrieks, her dream like reverie broken. “You’re not shattered!?” 

The golden gem just stands there, confused. She doesn’t dare move for fear of spooking the other Diamond. 

The azure gem begins to weep, but her tears fall out of relief. 

_Yellow’s alive, Yellow’s alive, Yellow’s alive,_ she chants in her head.

Hesitantly, Yellow lowers her hands. “Blue?” she whispers, her normally commanding voice soft.

“I saw you shattered! I--she did it--I saw her!!” wails the crying Diamond.

Yellow inches forward, carefully placing her feet so that they make a quieter sound, but loud enough that her counterpart can hear her approaching. 

“Blue,” she repeats. She comes to a stop an arms length away from Blue and quells her urge to embrace her. 

The Diamond continues to cry, blubbering words spouting from her mouth. Even her thoughts are jumbled. She begins to sway, control of her body slipping.

Just as she’s about to fall to the ground, Blue lunges forward, grabbing the form in front of her. She clings to the warm body she once knew so well, wrapping her arms around her slender waist. 

“Yellow, Yellow...Yellow,” she sobs, her grip growing tighter.

Yellow forces herself not to return the embrace. Not now, not when Blue is half lucid. Wracking her brain, she attempts to find a way to calm the crying Diamond without sending her into the anguish of the past. 

Holding her, like she had so many times before would most likely terrify her. As would bringing her to her chambers. Yellow was certainly not welcome there any longer. 

Instead, the golden gem slowly lowers herself to the ground, bringing them both down. Gently, she nudges Blue so that her head lays in against her sand colored pants. 

Turning her head away, she whispers urgently, “Pearl! Make sure no one bothers us. Go, quickly!”

Blue shudders underneath her. Trying to control her breathing, she manages, “Y-yell-ow?” 

Her voice comes out stronger than she wanted, and she recoils at the sound. Her vision is blurry, her eyes buried in the fabric of Yellow’s tunic. 

_Please hold me,_ she thinks desperately, _please hold me so I know you’re real._

But before she can try to choke out any more words, her mind is thrown back into another flashback. 

This time, she sees White Diamond. A terrifying, towering White Diamond, eyes full of rage. Blue’s head thrashes, fighting the terrible images she sees. But it’s too late. 

White is in front of her. Her black lips twisted into a smile. Her eyes loom above her, grey irises and diamond pupils. Blue is forced to watch in horror as she brings her hands to her gemstone. Long, slender fingers form a fist that is filled with white light. Then light dissipates, leaving a scepter in its place.

“YELLOW SHE’S BEHIND YOU!” screams Blue.

Said Diamond turns her head calmly, knowing there’s nothing there. 

“Blue, we’re alone,” she whispers.

“No, she’s--” Her words turn into sobs.

She raises her head, and Yellow sees her eyes, for the first time they touched in the observation room. Those beautiful cobalt eyes look through her, unfocused. She can see the panic and the fear in her eyes. 

A touch of warmth flows to her golden gemstone. Blue is laying in her lap, hugging her hips. Blue, the gem she’s longed to hug, to love for so long. Blue that has been absent from her life for what felt like eons. Tears begin to flow in her own honey colored eyes. 

“Blue,” she whispers under her breath.

“H-hold,” Blue stutters, “m-me.”

Yellow’s eyes nearly jump out of her head as she hears the two magical words. Fighting her desire to throw her arms around the gem in her lap, she steels her arms to move slowly. She carefully places a hand on Blue’s heaving back. She feels her stiffen under the touch. 

Still cautious, she places her other gloved hand on long white hair. Taking a deep breath, she sinks her fingers into the softness. Her whole body turns to jelly as she begins to rub circles on the crying gem’s back.

Blue abruptly turns her head, catching a glimpse of Yellow’s fingers in her hair. Suddenly, her vision goes black once more and she’s thrown into the memory of Yellow on the bridge. She lets out a scream.

Yellow’s hands fly up. She looks down in bewilderment, wondering what had set the azure gem off. Her eyes travel up her body and settle on her hands. Her gloves. 

She rips them off her hands, throwing them behind her where they disappear into sparkles. She turns back to the sapphire eyes below her. 

_My gloves,_ she thinks, _she’s set off by my gloves._

With her hands bare, she returns them back to their spot on Blue. Slowly, the sobbing Diamond begins to calm. Yellow watches her eyes begin to clear, signalling that she was back in the present. 

Finally, Blue seems to calm. She lifts her head from Yellow’s lap, her hair a tangled mess. She looks up to the golden gem, eyes clear and piercing.

“Yellow?” she says meekly.

“Blue,” Yellow answers quietly. She shifts, ready to stand up. “I’ll leave now.” 

“No,” Blue’s voice is urgent, as she wraps her arms tightly around Yellow’s waist. “Please stay.”

Yellow hesitates, wondering if she should stay. 

_She hasn’t been this close to me in so long. What if I set her off somehow? I should leave before she starts panicking again._

The she looks down at the gem in her lap. Blue’s face is serene and calm, nuzzled in her tunic. Her eyes are closed and there’s a faint smile on her face. 

_Oh Blue,_ Yellow thinks, _I should trust her when she says stay. I don’t want to ruin this moment for her...for us. I’ve missed this._

She slowly places her hands back on Blue’s back and head, waiting a few cautious seconds for Blue to give indication that it was okay. Blue hums quietly and Yellow allows herself to lightly hug her. 

The two stay, seating on the palace floors, both blissfully enjoying each other’s touch. It’s still, the only sounds are Blue’s light humming. 

…

Since their encounter in the hallway, tension began to fade between the two Diamonds. Blue abandoned her new control room, returning once more to the chair beside Yellow's. 

And Yellow stays with her. Patient, and gentle. No longer does the sight of her set Blue off. When the other Diamond has a crying spell, or a flashback, Yellow is there, holding her, comforting her. 

Sans gloves. Yellow is careful to phase them off whenever Blue is around. 

They talk more, comforting each other, forgiving each other. 

...

“I’m so sorry. I did this to you...without that attack, you wouldn’t be like this. Hurting.” They are sitting in Blue’s pool, side by side. 

The azure gem looks up to her. “No, it’s not your fault,” she says slowly. “If I were stronger, I wouldn’t be like this. You’ve been attacked many times and you don’t have episodes like me.”

Yellow shakes her head so hard, she creates ripples in the water. “No, don’t say that. You’re not weak. It’s different for me.”

“And how is that?”

“Because I’m not an enemy. I’m supposed to be your safe haven. But I attacked you. I almost poofed you.” Yellow closes her eyes, not wanting to face her lover’s face.

“That’s true, I suppose,” Blue starts, “but I’ve already forgiven you. Or, I’m trying to...if my mind will let me.” 

Yellow places an arm around Blue. “I know. I just wish I hadn’t done it. I wish I could take it all back, so you could be whole again.”

Blue leans into the gem beside her. “But you’re here now, comforting me. I regret it too, that day. We can’t take back the past, even if want to. We have to move forward and stop looking back. That’s what you always used to say.” She giggles softly.

“Still.”

“Well, the visions are getting better. I don’t have them as often anymore. And when I do, you’re always there.” 

Blue fingers wrap around a tiny honey colored diamond pendent underneath her loop of hair. Yellow had designed it for her. It was a communicator device, that synced with both of their gems. If Blue was in great distress, it would send a signal to the other Diamond, ensuring Yellow would always be there to comfort her. 

“I will always be there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! There is one more short chapter coming.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad for torturing Blue and Yellow, so I wrote this short chapter. It was also an excuse to give Yellow a new form, because yes.

A few cycles later, Yellow is standing on the observation deck, looking through the starmaps to find a suitable moon to build a base on. All colonization had halted on behalf of Steven’s wishes, but she still needed to build various structures to optimize the planets they already had. 

Her eyes fall on the young gem’s colony with a smile. The half-gem had been ecstatic upon hearing that Blue’s suffering was lightening. They had had a meeting, planning how they could talk White into helping the corrupted gems. Steven agreed it would have to wait until Blue was better, but Blue promised it they would try before Steven turned 40. 

Lost in thought, Yellow begins to hum absentmindedly. She finds a suitable moon and pulls up a screen to authorize the base’s construction. 

As she’s concentrating on her orders, she fails to notice the graceful presence at the door.

“Yellow?”

The golden gem looks up, surprised. Her hand is raised, a finger touching one of the various screens “Blue!”

“I was hoping to—” Blue stops suddenly, eyes widening.

“Hm?” Yellow looks up at her equal, stomach dropping. 

Cobalt eyes rest on her outstretched hand. Her gloved hand. She hadn’t heard the other Diamond approach, so she hadn’t phased them off. 

_You idiot,_ she thinks in horror, _how could you be so careless?_

Blue begins to cry, her eyes becoming unfocused. Yellow knows she’s seeing terrible images. She steps forward to go to the shaking gem, wanting to comfort her. Her hands, now bare, reach out to touch her.

But Blue’s fear has taken over. She dodges Yellow’s touch, screaming at her to stay back. She turns, stumbling in her haste and runs towards her chambers. 

Yellow stands, staring after, her hand still held out. Tears pool in her eyes as the tiny communicator beneath her armor pulses each beat bringing a stronger ache to her gem. 

…

Blue’s feet carry her to her secret room. Her chest heaves as she runs, her sobs echoing around the empty halls. 

After pushing the green button next to the door, she enters the room. She attempts to sing the special tones, but her voice refuses to work. She crumples to the ground. 

The images take over her, filling her sight with flashbacks from the bridge, from White, from Pink. She hasn’t had an episode this bad in many cycles, and she quickly falls unconscious under the strain. 

But even unconscious, she thrashes on the ground, dreams now haunting her. 

…

It takes Blue ten cycles to gather the strength to sing the three tones that bring her room to life. She drags her exhausted body to the bed, diving underneath the blankets. She’s careful to delicately place the covers around her, as to not obstruct her from getting out of the bed again. She doesn’t sleep, but she keeps her eyes closed, focusing on the warmth around her. 

She stays in her bed for another ten cycles until a golden gem crosses her mind.

_Yellow._

Her eyes fly open, her body already jumping out of the bed. 

_I need to find her, I need to apologize for running off._

She begins to run out of her chambers, not caring if any gems were around to see her. She runs past an empty control room, past the observation deck. Her footsteps begin to slow.

_Where is she?_

Blue comes to a stop in front of Yellow’s private chambers. Pressing her ear to the door, she listens for the booming of boots against tile. She knew Yellow liked to pace when she was upset.

But instead of hearing boots against the tile, she hears the pitter-patter of nearly silent footsteps.

_Who is that?_ Blue thinks, confused. She’s never heard this noise before. 

Succumbing to her curiosity, she hits the keypad next to the door. As it slides open, she takes in the figure standing in the middle of the room. It’s Yellow.

But she was different. She still wore armor, but it began just below her gem, a breastplate. Her large shoulder pads were replaced by smaller segmented metal pieces that lay flat. It was ornate, yet simple. The armor ended just below her tapering waist and below it was a short skirt made of strips of hard metal. Gone were her knee length boots, in their place gladiator sandals, golden straps twisting up her calves. Her forearms were encased in ringed metal, ending at her wrists, leaving her hands bare. 

“Yellow,” gasps Blue at the sight.

The bright gem blushes, an orange tint across her cheeks. “Blue.”

“What--how? You look stunning!” Blue’s eyes fill with stars as she moves closer to the majestic Diamond in front of her. 

“Well, I didn’t want to cause another episode...we don’t have to worry about the gloves if I don’t have them anymore,” she says, her blush growing darker.

The azure gem places her hand on Yellow’s shoulder, marveling at how the new armor accented her muscles. 

“Won’t it strain you?” she says voice still breathless, “To hold your form like this?”

Yellow turned her head away from the gem in front of her, embarrassed. “I asked one of my Jaspers to poof me. I chose this as my new form.”

Blue’s hands reach out to Yellow’s burning cheeks, turning her head and forcing their eyes to meet. 

“You’re beautiful,” she whispers.

“I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. I...” Yellow’s voice falters.

“Shh.” Blue moves her lips to Yellow’s, leaving a sliver of space between them. She wraps her arms around an armor enclosed waist, savoring the new feeling.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story to the end. I hope you enjoyed, even though the pain!


End file.
